Jan 5

Photo of me today:

Breakfast: Mint chocolate clif bar because I was starving and was not going to work out without feeding my body

Lunch: OKAY SO. i'm so proud of this. acai packet + protein powder + tablespoon peanut butter + one banana + coconut shavings + orange juice = BOMB SMOOTHIE

Snack: Almonds from Baeden's house

Dinner: soondubu-ish? like the kind mom makes + an apple

Feelings: Bruh... today was rough. i woke up exhausted but motivated to gym, so i went at 5:30 AM with hayden, and i honestly love it there at that time because it's so empty and i feel like i can do what i need to do. i felt really good after the gym, and then i went home and showered and then made my smoothie and read a book (outlander) and listened to music while hayden slept at his house. at around 12, i went to burlington coat factory to get some shoes for the wedding because i don't have any that i could wear really, and i found a cute pair for only $8.99 (will insert pics tomorrow). i then went to hayden's and watched as he tried to figure out colors with the epbt soju prototype that finally came. then we went to the mall. I was in an okay mood and then had a breakdown in the middle of the day after i went with hayden to h&m to get a blazer for the wedding TOMORROW. but i think it was triggered bc i thought about school. hayden and i talked for a while about my whole issue and we both aren't sure what's going on and feel like the overarching problem isn't school + that school just triggers something else??? idk. but then i had class and he picked up yaya and then hung out in our house to comfort me bc he told mom that he thinks something is actually going on in my head/i'm seriously going through something, and then she was in the back crying and talking to dad. anyways, i'm going to try to call the counseling and psychological services tomorrow @ ucla so that i can get a clinician and then get hopefully assigned to a psychiatrist so that i can get the treatment i need in order to get better. anyways, i had a tasa game night thing again and almost knocked out in the middle of it, so now i'm just writing this to get it done for tonight and then i'll schleep. hopefully tomorrow will be lots of fun! i'm motivated bc we're gyming in the morning again tomorrow and then have some errands to get done like covid testing and wrapping the wedding gift, and then we're going to PARTYYYYYYY. it should be so fun. i'm excited. also hayden looks really good in his blazer so i 💦💦. not even kidding. this shall not see anyone's eyes except me (and hayden, hi hayden) because yikes i cannot control myself. ANYWHO, excited for the 🦚 couple hehe. also motivated to eat healthy and actually treat my body well this year. i have hope that i can improve in both my body and mind. i want to be happy with myself. anyways, good night, hannah (or hayden, hi hayden, i love you). i'm thankful for my support system.