February 15
Photos from today:
Breakfast: oatmeal
Lunch: half a veggie sandwich
Dinner:
Feelings: today is so bad i literally don't know what to do. you know that feeling when you have pain in your chest because you just feel so empty and sad and you're just unsure with how to keep going? i really just want to go home and cry and be held by hayden or mom or someone because i feel so alone and i just want to be comforted and for someone to listen to me. i feel really hopeless right now and everything that has happened today has just been so negative. i tried to go to the gym and ended up getting injured or something when doing lat pulldowns and i only got to do two exercises. i am feeling so overwhelmed right now with a midterm next week and taiko rehearsals for literally hours every day and now im injured and i feel alone and i just want to disappear even though its cowardly. i don't care at this point. i don't want to be here at all anymore. i just want to go home and sleep and not wake up for a long time. i just want to stop time and just allow myself to relax for once. or to figure out whats wrong. or to figure out how to enjoy what im doing again because i just feel like im stuck in this cycle and i dont even see the point to anything im doing and i have no motivation to keep doing this because i cant see an end. i just wish i were someone else who is smarter and more motivated and not confused and not lonely and who can be with the peopke they love and care about all the time. i wish i could be at home. i went back to school last night motivated and hopeful that this week would be ok but now i am not sure anymore. and i was greeted this morning back on campus with just such a terrible day. i don't get a break too. i need a break.
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